Bit of Nostalgia

April 11th, 2015

Sitting in the car on a Saturday early morning

Listening to the chirping of the birds,

After  a long cold winter

Rises a bit of hope.

Spring is on its way.

I learnt to love the spring here.

The birds, the yellow Dandelion,

The grass with tiny bit of green on its tip,

The Apple tree in the back yard with white fresh buds,

My roses with tiny pink fresh leave

I learnt to love everything.

Still bit of nostalgia seeps thorugh.

Yearn for the morning Cuckoos.

Long for the sizzling sound of the coconut leaves.

The usual visit of the Seven Sisters.

The  bloom of Gardenias with its heavenly smell.

The rays of the morning sun.

The bell of the close by temple.

The neem tree with the dancing fresh leaves to the rhythm of the breeze.

The May flower the first sign of spring.

The Jasmine at the front porch.

The Golden Orioles on the mango tree.

A miracle mango that escaped the squirrel.

A bike ride in the still dark dawn to the Yoga.

The one and half hour Yoga for which no body asked for money.

Noise from the kitchen which says Amma’s tea is ready.

My second brother with his usual cry for food with his non stop hunger.

My grandpa with his long steady strides, with a bag of some sort of herb

Requesting my mum to cook it for his lunch.

I miss everything.

A son who always late for his soccer practice.

A drive along the highway in 140km/hr speed to catch the lost minutes.

Rushing to work after dropping kids.

Shopping which is done as it is the end of the world today.

The  paid Yoga class to release the stress.

I still have some minutes to reminisce the life I left.


June 10th, 2014

Is it just me? or you too?

Once I decide, that I have figured it out,

It turns out not.

People amaze me with their  changing colours.

SELFISHNESS is the big bright sun.

People circle on the orbit.

Sometimes closer, sometimes far away.

Sometimes bright with friendliness

Sometimes darker with hostility.

Sometimes green with jealousy

Sometimes red in anger.

Ego boasts itself brightly.

Power dominates with iron grip.

Waning and waxing in friendship.

Relationship  falters and fades.

Need is the deciding factor.

Needy for the friendliness

Needy for the closeness

Needy for the  superiority.

Needy for the material.

They spin and spin

Pushing the feeble to the edge of the orbit.

They win their battle for need

Loosing the people for life

By The Side of Indian Ocean

August 21st, 2012

Wave 2

They say, this is where they awaited their last moments. Thousands and thousands of   souls with fear, disappointment,hatred, anger and the sorrow for their lost beloveds, waited there for some messiah to come around and rescue them. I wonder how come they were blindfolded. The Jesus was dead a long time ago.The world preach love and humanity but never practice them. Yet they waited hanging to the dear life with a ray of hope.

The apocalypse might have hit on that day of May 2009. The stories of killing still emerge day and night. Innocent civilians walking towards the enemies with a white flag hoping the humanity still exists were shot to death. Women and kids, thinking still the world has some courtesy left in them to let the women and kids survive, were brutally murdered. The analysts say, the identified kid’s body had a  blank  shot, which might have tortured the kid mentally and physically.  They even used an axe to tear your back. Is this dream? Or are we still in stone age?

What did we do? Other than expecting to be treated respectfully? other than expecting to be considered equally? Other than requesting for the right to live, to be educated,  to find the opportunity for development and to live in peace? What did we do?

Need an Escape.

January 21st, 2012

Almost an year. I lost me somewhere in my fight for the survival. I could not write.  There are things at the bottom of the heart to be spelled out. They just tap tap and tap to break free. Yet I could not  write. I always fight for me and for others around me. Being compassionate is my quality. I was there for everyone when ever they needed me. But somehow some where around the orbit, I am left out of the circle once I was exploited. Nowadays, whenever a phone rings, I just go like ” who needs me now.” the willingness to answer the phone just fade away. Even the curiosity to look who called is just not there anymore.   Everybody is pretending. 2011 is the worst year of my life. Sadly, many masks were torn. I always taught my kids to be compassionate, to be there for any one in need and to love everyone. Not anymore.  I am scared they might be exploited by the very utter selfish next generation. I fear how would they survive the brutal truth there is not any genuine love left.

I just need an escape. To a middle of nowhere. A place of isolation. Just the bright sun ,the cool  breeze, magnificent  mountains, lonely trees, and just me in a hammock. I just need an escape.

Tribute to My Sisters and Brothers

November 26th, 2010

karthikai-poo To get rid of the stress of the day, I just lazily lie down on the bed. The red lily at my windowsill draws my attention. Two flowers on a long stem with just four long lean leaves. Beautiful! Admiring the beauty of the red lily, brings in the memory of the so called November Flowers Karthikai Pookkal or Gloriosa Superba. My unborn nation’s national flower.

While my long ride to work through the potholed roads, the only pasture I used to see was the nearby jungles, paddy fields , tall lonely Palmyra tree, shrubs and the intertwined November Flowers. The red flowers decorated the bush like a Christmas where butter flies flew around like angels. The way back to home dust and dark was illuminated by the light worms. My kids learnt the colours, parts of tree, nature, poem, math and anything they can grab at that age on the passing trees , bushes , flowers and birds. My daughter ate her meals singing Two Little Ticky Birds. My son learnt his numbers on the passing trees. Even though they still love the nature and have the knowhow to enjoy it, the internet shrank the world giving everything handy as a candy. How lucky they are. From the rutted roads to the carpeted roads, they arrived safely.

Yes. Safely. Safety provided by the thousands of brothers and sisters who left their homes just like that, just to save our lives. Being in a country, where every seconds need money to survive, even random act of kindness could be perceived dangerous, and people do know the man only as a material not any more as human , it is very difficult to understand such selfless acts. Even I wonder after all those years, how was it possible? For others?? No wonder they are perceived dangerous.

Thank you siss and bros. I know you are no longer there. Most of you could have died at the genocide which was conducted systematically under the observation of the whole world. The world could have forgotten you. You might not have a home any more. You might have lost your identities, name and addresses. You would not have even got a decent cemetery address, because you were killed by brutes that never know the decency to how to treat a corpse. You could have left to decay, smell bad and eaten by those dogs and maggots. But even on your dead bed you served the world, fed the homeless dogs and the innocent maggots. Some where there your souls still await not resting in peace to know that your people finally got their freedom.

Rest in peace siss and bros! while you were alive you suffered a lot. The lean bodies carried heavy loads, your soft hearts carried burdens of your colleagues. Working in the community, talking to your mothers and sisters I learnt how some of you were tortured, how some of you were killed. Captured at the front you never came back respectfully. I remember a mother crying, her daughter’s genital parts were inserted by an unexploded shell. I heard a mother saying, how she could not love her baby because she never knew which soldier was the father of the baby. When her village being seized at a dawn, she was captured by the soldiers. The nights followed by the arrest, she was forced to serve each soldier in order of their ranks. After long three hell of years her unwanted pregnancy brought her to an army hospital then to a civil hospital and then she escaped from there. First thing she did , joined with people who can help her revenge the soldiers. She said, “I do not know their faces because they came in the dark. So I am going to revenge whoever happen to be in my path.” One day I saw her in the newspaper, did and dead. But our people who have the decency to love an enemy’s baby sheltered the baby. They did not kill as they put our babies in the boiling tar.

Kantha! I remember you from my school days. I was volunteering at the District Hospital to take care of the war victims. You were tied to a bed. You were injured. A bullet went through your head. You were unconscious and you were about to die. The doctors wanted to give you a peace full death. But you were shouting unconsciously to let you go and fight. Western would say it is a medical miracle. But I know that witnessing all the brutal tortures, rapes and murders of your siblings gave you strength to fight while dying. Our people know, there is no other miracle other than you and your comrades.

Vasanthy! When I left the country you were wheel chaired. Paralyzed to the hip, unaware of the soiling, always smiling, and still wanted to do something to the community, you were there.

Thamil! you were just fifteen when I joined as a teacher at your school. Long eight years after I heard that you injured on your abdomen and your upper skin of the abdomen was kept open for a month because they did not want it to be opened again and again to get rid of your infection. When I visited you after a month I thought I was seeing a ghost. Such a thin layer of a human body slept on the bed. . Why did you suffer this? How did you learn to tolerate the suffering? For you? For your people? For your village, which was long ago looted?

It is not sufficient to say thank you to you. Even saying a thank you could degrade the sacrifices you made.

Novembers always come! The dead Gloriosa Superba rises through the cracks of the earth. Grow tall, intertwined on the trees. Blossom! I hopefully wait to go home one day and see the flowers once my country is a haven and full of Gloriosa Superba.

White Sandy Beaches

October 6th, 2010

Have you heard ?

No more war!

The international airport shines

So you can see your face on the floor.

Camps, prisons,schools and temples

Houseful with the impaired, sick, homeless people.

Do you care? Why should I?

East  coasts are full of luxury hotels.

Sexual Orientation is not a problem.

Everybody will be served.

White , sandy beaches of the north coast.

Yummy, cheap ,tasty lobsters and shrimps.

Some kind hearted refugees from abroad

Investing for hotels in the peninsula.

Jaffna town is full of  pavement stalls.

Isn’t it cool?

Our friends,

Who killed our kids for three decades, own them.

Rush! Offseason tickets are cheap.

Have fun!

By the Side of Indian Ocean

May 13th, 2010

Wave 1

I had been there many times. With  friends, with my family and also with my staff.  The full moon days glisten the white sandy beach. The long waves rush to the shore threatening, splashing water on the beach and on our faces.The inner end of the beach is marched and guarded by the short coconut trees. The far end of the sea is guarded by the navy boats. Sometimes the bullets launched form the gun boats bring us back to the present. Come on , are  you kidding? How can you enjoy the life while we are here? they bang. Born in an island, lived in a peninsula with sandy beaches in one hour drive( or is it half an hour? I never know. All my life the passengers were stopped at all the checkpoints which delayed the journey. The long ignored roads were full of  damages. So I never know how long would it take to a nearest beach) we never learnt to swim. Such a sad culture. Fully clothed we just stood at the banks to just to wet our lower bodies. Even the wetness showing the figure of your bodies is a taboo.  We go to the beach on a full moon day sit at the beach enjoy the breeze.

When I worked with MSF we used to go to the beach as a team. We even had a barbecue on Mullai beach one day. We do not know how to enjoy the life, partially the culture, partially the decades long  war forbid us from enjoying the nature, life and naturally living the life. So some of us learnt to enjoy the life from the expatriates, who always be a Roman when they are in Rome, even if the Rome is burning to ashes. But by all means it suited to us and we needed that because our country was burning for years by war , and we did not know how to play a fiddle amidst.

So the beach loved by everyone spread along the east coast with magnificent beauty. The creepers carpeted the beach with greeny greeny leaves and violet flowers. The creeper named “adampan” is always a metaphor for the unity of the Tamils. The old saying from our culture ,”even if it is the adampan creeper, if  united it is  valiant.” They told this many decades to fight the suppression, to have their freedoms. If it is true, the white sandy beach would not have been filled with black bent heads ,broken promises,and shattered dreams. Or were we really united at all?

To be continued..

Hearts to be Healed

April 2nd, 2010

“The war has been ended”

They declared

(Ooph! silent! do not ask

When, how and Why)



Let them both long last!

Three decades of war

Stole their sleep away

Both the killers and the victims

Heavy eyelids can rest in peace now.

Unwanted deaths….

Sacrifices the youngsters made…

The lost eye of the next door kid…..

The father of the seven kids

With his amputated leg,

The girl still goes to school

A blank face

Happiness hunted away

by a group of brutals

On that cold dark brutal night.

Everyone , everything forgotten.

Victims- known for their hospitality

Enemies known for their brutality

Celebrated their harmony.


Still a murmur

With the  dusk seeping into the day

an unknown terror seeps into too.

Nook and corners are filled with fear.

Last night,

a bomb exploded spreading

shrapnels in to thousand hearts,

Screamed my daughter in her dream.

A supersonic walked on four legs,

previous day in my husband’s dream.

The other day,

Corpses rose from their pyres

Headless, Limbless

In my dream.

Traumatized hearts

Still flutter to survive.

Those who over there!

On your path to heal the world,

Just look at that tear drop

Just below the Indian continent,

Waiting to be cared, healed.

That’s life

August 11th, 2009

Simply said.

That’s life.

My thirteen year old said

“”Appa, it did not hurt when I danced.

But it hurts now”

My eight year old said

” That’s life acca” to his sister.

“Things hurt after we did it”

How simple!

Why we adults donot get it?

Before we leap deep.

Long live humanity burried in the safety zone

May 19th, 2009

My senses took along leave.
Sitting at the computer
Looking at the websites
My senses took a long leave.
Back to reality,
We don’t bear to have a kitten suffer
We don’t bear to have a puppy starve
But, what are they?
After all human kids.
Practically with a brown skin.
Let them suffer
Let them starve
Let them die.
It is not Somalia or Ethiopia
For a kid to be eaten by a haunting vulture
At least the dying kids have
So called terrorist hands
That can burry them decently.
How lucky the kids are!
They are injured in a safety zone;
They are dead in a safety zone;
They are burried in a safety zone too.
Long live humanity!!!!